Friday, June 12, 2015
I have had triggers on and off throughout my journey. Most times I expect them. Usually my triggers are his birthday and placement anniversary. Every so often an unexpected trigger hits me hard. Last summer when my birth son had an emergency surgery it was a trigger. This past weekend I had a trigger that hit me hard. Didn't expect it and it knocked me on my ass. I deal with my triggers by talking with people. Sometimes the comments that are made to me just make it worse. I don't expect everyone to understand but being told that I need to stop looking at the little things and just look at the bigger picture doesn't help. It might seem small and trivial to you but it is still a trigger to me. I'm tired of being told to remember all that I gave him. I always remember why I placed. I am proud of my decision. But it still hurts at times. I have come a long way from the beginning of my journey. It's funny, the people that tell me to remember didn't know me when I was truly struggling. My two biggest supports never judge me for how I feel or think. They listen, they tell me it's normal. Neither of them are birth moms but they both found themselves pregnant at a young age. We all took different paths. One has been there for the last 16 years of my journey. My best friend is amazing. When I went to her about my trigger this weekend her response was that she wasn't surprised. She just let me ramble and offered encouraging words and her love to me. My other friend that I went to was a single parent as a teen. We finally met three and a half years ago, but she has known my story for 17 years and been waiting to meet me. She responded with the same comments as my best friend. She also sent me a text that means the world to me. My trigger this weekend may not seem like a big deal to you but it was to me. My birth son had his Junior prom on Saturday. It hurt that I wasn't able to be a part of it. Being told that I was being trivial over such a minor event hurts. It may seem trivial to you but it's a big moment in his life. I missed it and it hurt me. As my birth son gets older there are less triggers but I know there are still more to come. I love my birth son and his parents with all my heart.