Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Birth Father

I have been thinking about the birth father a lot lately. I think he has been on my mind so much because our birth son is about to turn 18. Last November, I ca,e to the realization that I needed to forgive him. I needed to allow myself to heal and the only way I could do that was to completely forgive. I wanted to write down what I remember about him. 

I met Brian when I was about to turn 18, he was 19. We met the summer of 1995 through a high school friend of mine that he worked with. Brian and I became friends very quickly. We started hanging out every weekend. We were both huge baseball and football fans, just not the same teams. Brian was a Cincinnati Reds and Miami Dolphins fan while I am a die hard New York Yankees and Philadelphia Eagles fan. I always felt comfortable with him. The more time we spent together, the closer we grew. It didn't take long for us to start dating. We dated on and off for two years. When we broke up we always remained best friends. There was a connection there that I had never experienced before. 

Brian was born April 13, 1976. He graduated from Charles W. Baker High School in Baldwinsville, NY. His father lived in Chittenango, NY and worked for Coca-Cola and his mother lived in the Village Greens in Baldwinsville and worked in the school bus garage. Brian was a cook when I met him. We worked the NY State Fair two summers together at the West End Bar & Grill. 

Brian was supportive of me trying to enlist into the NY Army National Guard. We used to talk every night about our dreams and just our daily lives. When I went to MEPS for my physical and was told I was pregnant I was in shock. My recruiter took me home so I could talk to Brian. We sat together that night in our apartment and he held me while I cried. Brian told me it would all be ok. We both understood we had to make a decision. We talked for a couple of days and weighed our options. At the time we thought we had two options, parent or abort. Together we decided on abortion. We went to Planned Parenthood together. After they did my ultrasound, we were taken to a private room so they could talk to us. They told us that they couldn't help us because I was too far along. I had only known I was pregnant for a week. How could I be too far along. We went home together both in shock.

Brian told me that he would help raise the baby. We both told our parents in our own ways. He was able to go to his mom's house but had to tell his dad on the phone. I don't know how his conversations went, I just know what he told me later. I told my mom on the phone because of her work schedule. My mom was crying when I told her. The first thing my mom said was don't marry him because of the baby. I told her we weren't thinking about marriage. I was 19 and he was 20. On my 20th birthday, Brian told me about his conversations with his parents. They had offered him $300 to move to Florida and to forget about us. He was moving. I was now on my own. The very next day I moved home to my parents. That was when I decided on adoption.

It took me almost 17 years to forgive Brian. He broke my heart. Brian has never seen a picture of our birth son. He knows nothing about him. I have held onto a couple of pictures of Brian for Lucas. I wanted to be able to show him what he looks like, to share memories. The day Lucas was born I promised him that I would always be honest Bout his birth father. That when the time came, I would help him find Brian. I will never bad mouth Brian. I still have a special place in my heart for Brian. He helped create a child who has grown up to be an amazing young man because of the wonderful job his parents have done. 

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