Be Respectful

I have noticed trends among some members of the adoption triad. I started my journey out only knowing the members of my triad. I have seen comparison and competition within the adoption community. We all need to remember that our journeys are all very unique. This weekend I went to my 20th high school reunion and caught up with some of my old friends. I was able to share my story and had some wonderful feedback. I found out that one of my classmates that I grew up with since I was five years old recently adopted a baby girl through an open adoption. It warmed my heart that we could connect and share. I could feel the love she had for the birth mother who made her a mom. I offered support to my friend and to the birth mom. I want to help others along with their journey by giving them tools and even some hope. As a birth mom I know that I can't speak on behalf of all birth moms. I can only speak on behalf of my journey. I have read blogs that say all birth moms feel shame and regret. That the only way you can be happy giving your child up for adoption is because you are brainwashed and drink the adoption kool-aid. I'm not brainwashed. I love my open adoption because of the opportunities it offered my birth son and myself. I chose to place him out of unconditional love. He deserved more than what I could offer at that time in my life. He deserved everything life had to offer. He has been given everything because of the amazing parents that I placed him with. I have never felt shame or regret. I have always been proud of my choice. I am proud to be a birth mother. I am proud of the woman I became because of my journey. Do not group all birth mothers, adoptees or adoptive parents together. Everyone is very different. We all were raised in different environments. I know not everyone has had the same journey as I have. Everyone has a right to how they feel. They have the right to use the terms that fit their journey. We have the right to be happy or angry about our placement. We don't have the right to gang up on each other and force our views on the other side. We need to love each other through out our journeys. We need to listen and support each other, no matter what side of the triad we are from. 

I Chose Life

This is not a political statement. This was my choice.

18 years ago I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy. My boyfriend and I at the time decided abortion was the best choice for us. We went to Planned Parenthood to have the abortion done. After they did my ultrasound I was told they couldn't help us. We went home together and sat in silence. He held me as I cried. I was lost. We had only told my brother about my pregnancy. We sat and talked about what we were going to do. At first he wanted us to parent, I was unsure. I knew in my heart that we would never last. I loved this man with all my heart but I knew he wasn't the one for me. On my birthday he announced that he was leaving us. We were no longer his problem. That helped me make the hardest decision of my life. I hold no hard feelings for him. I still love him because he helped create the most amazing young man. On September 1st, I moved home to live with my parents and we discussed adoption. I wanted to know this boy I was carrying inside me. 18 years ago, I chose open adoption. I have been blessed with an amazing extended family who have raised my birth son to be an amazing young man. I believe in giving all the facts and choices. I don't believe that any of the choices are easier than the others. Every option has its pros and cons. Do your research. Put in the time and the effort. 

Family

People always say that DNA and blood make a family. Over the last 20 years I have learned that isn't always true. My family doesn't all get along. I try to just let things go. Most of the people I consider my family don't share DNA or blood with me. My chosen family always love and support me. They are there no matter what, through the good and the bad. They would do anything for me. We respect each other and treasure each other. My extended family that I gained through open adoption are my most treasured family. It doesn't matter that we don't share DNA. We truly love each other. I'm proud to call them my family. They are amazing. My best friend is a sister to me. She stepped up and became the sister I needed. I would be lost without her. My other half of my soul is an amazing woman who I consider my hero. I am very close to my parents, they are my only blood relatives I am close to other than my two boys. Treasure the family you have. I allow family in that hurt me out of respect and love for my parents. The relationship I have with both of my siblings is very strained. I want to walk away and don't because I can't break my parents hearts. I instead allow them to continue to hurt me. 

Life

Life can be hard. Live life to the fullest. 17 1/2 years ago my whole life changed. I have heard many people say that adoption changes your life and you will never be the same. I agree it does. I also truly believe that it changed mine for the better. Yes, I had to give up my dream of enlisting into the military. But, adoption gave me an amazing extended family, a wonderful birth son and many truly wonderful friends. There is nothing I would change about my life. I have had my ups and downs but I am the woman that I am because of it all. I'm making some changes in my life currently. I will always fight to better myself and for my family. 

I recently was told some news that has made me more grateful for my son and my birth son. I am truly lucky to have them. They are my miracles. I am thankful for both of them everyday. I strive to be a better person because of them. I have been diagnosed with secondary infertility. I am currently grieving this loss. It has made me realize many things. The doctor believe I should have been diagnosed 7 years ago. 

I will never claim to understand how any of my dear friends feel when it comes to their infertility. The loss is one I can never imagine. My loss is different because of my two boys. My diagnosis makes me realize how amazing you all are. How special and strong you are. You have all done something that I don't know if I could have done. You are not only raising wonderful children, but you all honor your birth parents as much as possible. I have heard you call birth mothers your heroes. I want you all to know that you are my heroes! I love you! 

Happy Father's Day

In the last year I was able to finally forgive the man that helped change my life forever. I have heard others refer to him as just a sperm donor. He was never just a sperm donor. He was my first love and my best friend. We were inseparable when we were together. Our relationship had its ups and downs, mostly downs but we always remained friends. Until the day he told me that I was on my own and that our unborn child was no longer his problem. I never hated him. I couldn't blame him. I wanted to run but I couldn't. I realize now that the best gift he could ever give me was to leave us. Where would we be if he had stayed? I know we never would have stayed together. That wasn't in the cards. My birth son has an amazing family. I have an amazing husband and son. I have an amazing extended family. I recently contacted him through an email to thank him for walking away. I wanted him to know I could never hate him. He helped me gain a family that I couldn't imagine my life without. I hope that in the future he will reach out to his birth son. I hope he finds his happiness in life. I still hold him in a very special place in my heart. I always will. He helped create a child who has grown to become an amazing young man. A young man that I know has a bright future ahead of him filled with love. I send a special Father's Day wish out to Brian. I hope you are in love and know that you helped create a life that will make a difference. We are always connected through that child. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for giving me the gift of our birth son and his family. 

My Heart Hurts

My son started karate in the beginning of May. I took him his first day and haven't been since. Friday is belt graduation day. I don't know yet if my son is moving up to his yellow belt. I have been in a funk since I found out about the belts. I am going to the ceremony and hope to see my son get his belt. This is a trigger for me. My birth son is a 3rd degree black belt in karate. I was able to see my birth son get all but one belt. I missed the one because of a college final. I wasn't there daily for my birth son. I chose to place him and to become a birth mom. I'm proud of my decision. I'm not able to be here daily for my son. I see him for half an hour before school daily. My heart hurts because I feel as though I'm not his mom just like I'm not my birth son's mom. 

Birth Mother's/Mother's Day Weekend

This past weekend was my 17th year celebrating Birth Mother's Day. I'm proud to celebrate the day and to be recognized for my decision to give my birth son an amazing life. On Friday, I hand delivered a bouquet of lilies and roses to my birth son's mom for Mother's Day. His mom is an amazing woman who has raised him to be a wonderful young man. I couldn't be prouder of who he is becoming. On Saturday, I went and spent a few hours talking with his mom while I waited for him to get home from field band practice. My birth son plays percussion in his school field band. He has played at the Orange Bowl, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and will be going to Ireland for the new year. He ran his first half marathon this May. My birth son also achieved his 3rd degree black belt in karate when he was 14 years old. The opportunities that his parents have been able to give him make me so proud. I'm proud to be called Lucas' birth mother. I love that I can be his friend. His family presented me with a Pandora bracelet this weekend with a charm engraved with 'First my mother, Forever my friend'. His parents wished me a Happy Birth Mother's Day just like they have since the very first one six months after I placed.

On Sunday, I ran a 5k for myself for Mother's Day. My husband and son cheered me on. Afterwards I text my birth son and told him how I did and he sent me a message telling me how proud of me he was. His mother then text me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day with all her love. My heart is so happy after this weekend.

I never wanted to be recognized on Mother's Day until my son was born. I am not and never will be Lucas' mother. His mom raised him. I chose her to do what I couldn't do at that time in my life. I have always been comfortable in my role as a birth mom. It is a title I hold very close to my heart. His family means the world to me. They are my extended family. They are amazing. Feeling blessed with love from my amazing extended family.